I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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