I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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