I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
