Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
