Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
