yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
