dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
