Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
