I met the friendliest cop last night
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
