i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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