Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
cat food counts as protein by the way
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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