That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
