Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
