Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
