if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
