it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i will never coherently bang her
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
