I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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