oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
