worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He passed out mid-signature
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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