My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
