seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
