Old men and throwing up are my life now.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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