Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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