hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
and she was petting her beer can
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
