we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
