It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
