We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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