when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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