Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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