So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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