about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
