mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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