I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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