I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
