I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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