i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
