I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
