I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
