If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
