its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
