I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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