I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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