I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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