I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
