meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
This is my gift to your gina
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
