moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Ladies don't puke and tell
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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