We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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