sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
