my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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