I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
