Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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