two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
